Based on the content of the memo, the pope attempted to name his own successor and his shocking cryptozoological association may surprise you.
See a scan of the original document here:
Or read the text transcribed:
TO: College of Cardinals
FROM: The Pope
RE: Papal Election
My fellow Roman Catholic patriarchs, as we discussed after last week’s bible study, you now know my reasons for resigning. Those of you who missed the coffee & biscotti klatch, or had to leave early, I typed up minutes and left them in your mailboxes behind the receptionist’s desk. (Minutes dated 20.2.03)
All cardinals not on probation will soon meet for the conclave. You will listen to old Motown 45s, drink Champagne cocktails, and enjoy the “Barney Miller” marathon I curated for you on my DVR. And eventually you will pick my successor.
Cardinal Lowenstein, I know you’ve been campaigning for the job, but I fear the world is not ready for you. Please allow me to submit another candidate: Sasquatch.
You may know of his works under his other title, Bigfoot, and still others wonder why I don’t just suggest Dracula or Judas Iscariot for the job. I tell you, Dracula isn’t interested and Judas will stay locked in the Vatican basement until [REDACTED].
After my meeting with Sasquatch in 2008, I realized that he is perhaps best equipped to lead our congregation of 1.2 million. He has, after all, literally spent his entire life isolated and content in the forests of North America.
Also, giving Mr. Sasquatch this position will force people to stop using that stupid line about the Pope [REDACTED] in the woods.
Give Sasquatch fumata bianca and let’s make this sedes vacan’t a sedes vacans.
Good night you kings of theology! Good night you princes of the church!
xo
The Pope
***
We've had the document analyzed by a team of independent forensic memologists and believe it to be legitimate. The Typing Monkey has not reached out to The Vatican for comment because we totally want them to make Bigfoot the new pope.
